(North Mankato, MN): Found another great article on the internet about dealing with difficult people… well, not that I have any difficult people in my own life, but maybe this will give us all some ideas just in case we encounter such folks. The original title of the article was “7 Ways to Defang Difficult People.” I just could not keep the “defang” image (my apologies to author, Tom Russell).
7 Ways to Deal with Difficult People
By: Tom Russell
Difficult people are insecure. They want YOU think and live like THEY think and live. Misery indeed loves company. They feel better if you are tense and unhappy. What can you do to instantly neutralize their negativity? You cannot stop them from being difficult and demanding. Heaven help you if you try! But you can control your own reactions through the amazing power of Facts.
What are Facts? Simple, healthy and truthful principles you voice to yourself silently, in the present moment. [This inner] Speech is powerful! It is your connecting point back to your calm and intelligent center. [Inner] Speech instantly reminds you of the wisdom and power you already possess.
Here are 7 Facts you can use when difficult people are on the prowl. These are secret silent statements you say to yourself:
1. I am not an actor who must obey your script. The difficult person has a script. In the script he writes that you get angry, that you fight with him, that you condemn him, and that you get stressful and frustrated. Difficult people want opposition. That is their primary aim! When you employ this Fact you inform yourself that you have the power of choice. You are never compelled to go along with their script. A silent refusal to take the bait sends a very powerful signal to the difficult person. They get it!
2. I just cannot afford you anymore. This Fact reminds you that some relationships carry much too high a price. You have to let go. There is no feeling of superiority or hostility. You simply cannot afford the relationship any more. It cost too much. You have to move on because you know it is best for YOU and for the other person. (Beth’s note: This may not work with close relatives who will remain in your life!!)
3. I see your rage as childish, not forceful. Here is how you can heal your perceptions. This Fact reminds you that anger is weakness, not strength. Work with this Fact and watch it release its treasures of wisdom and self-command. You’ll never again cringe before an angry person.
4. You don’t know it, but I remain at a safe inner distance from you. Personal growth widens the gap between both your own inner negativities and those of others. You see anger from a higher place. Instead of being immersed in it, you’re above it now. You need never descend to a lower level to accommodate an immature adult. With Facts, your life is in your power!
5. I will not injure you by doing your work. Difficult people are very sly in getting others to carry their load. They ARE difficult precisely because they have refused self-responsibility. We harm adults when we do things for them they must do for themselves. This Fact is compassion in action. Truth is never clouded by sentimentality, which is nothing more than cruelty in disguise.
6. I sense a lot of violence in your gloom. This Fact is in the same category as number 3 above, “I see your rage as childish, not forceful.” It is called “reframing.” Reframing teaches us to see things through an entirely different lens. It is an amazingly effective method for self-renewal. Difficult people are often gloomy. How often have we tried to cheer one of them up and been bitten? It can be compassionate to say an encouraging word at times. But we have to be wise! Hardened and dedicated difficult people want your cheerful words, not to pick themselves up, but to pull you down with them! Sense the violence behind their mask of gloom and you empower yourself.
7. If you want a destructive fight you will have to fight all alone. A destructive fight is what the difficult person is after. It’s what THEY want, not what YOU want. With this Fact, you can stay in your own clear skies.
If you refuse to battle the difficult person on their own turf, what can they do about it? The only way they can control you is if you catch the negative ropes they toss. Anger, guilt, frustration — all these negative ropes fall to the ground, unclaimed by you, once you learn to leave the problem with the person who has it.
Remember, these Facts are voiced silently within yourself, unless you know you are alone. They help you ignite self-understanding you already possess but have temporarily forgotten. Difficult people seem to have power only when YOUR True Power is temporarily dormant.
Nothing is more beneficial than standing up for what you know to be true. Don’t let the world and its drowsy people tell you what is true for you. Tell yourself! Passivity in the face of falseness is the underlying cause of the world’s problems. With Facts you reclaim your life with its inherent happiness, intelligence and humor. Nothing is more fun!